Start of a Roman Holiday

If I lived in the Ukraine or lived in Israel at this very moment I would be preparing for war. Both countries have compulsory military service for males considered adults or in the states to have reached the age of majority. Modern mandatory military service in your country simply means at any time that you, your countrymen, or your families are at risk by a foreign adversary intent on doing you harm. For both countries the enemy at the gate camps outside of it.

As an American there is an unspoken duty to ally with countries that support a democratic system of government over an autocratic one. Americans are fairly detached from their worldly counterparts otherwise. Separated on both coasts by massive planet dividing bodies of water has that affect. Bordered by two nations that are allies and possibly friends. The borders are secure, the threats all thousands of miles away from us. We live in a faux sense of safety in isolation. With all our weapons, each other, a shared heterogenous culture, all contribute to a false sense of comfort.

Living in the United States, your vacations are local or based to your state if you’re a middle of the road American. Neither wealthy nor poor. The country is blessed with material wealth and plenty of padded self-important spiritual and cultural beliefs about itself. Many Americans have a superiority complex, or live in the present so obliviously it’s forgotten there’s a world outside. Someone could spend their entire life visiting every nook and cranny of just the United States.

For me personally, my international travels gave me perspective. Life long I’ve felt a call to adventure, to treasures, and experiences. The mysterious and unknown inspires me to uncover it. I want to unmask all the mysteries and unwrap all it’s gifts. My greatest fear is living a life ticking off all these boxes, reaping all the rewards they promise, and then leaving unfulfilled, broken, and wanting. There’s within all of us something unique we have to give to others. I’m of the opinion filling your life means filing it with relationships, giving it to others, serving.

As a kid learning about the world and where we fit in it, there were so many possibilities. The older you get, the more that’s learned, the more that happens to you, those possibilities narrow. Your opportunity to be the first person to walk on Mars is always there as a possibility. But as a realistic or achievable goal, it is hampered by the technology and priorities of our time. What is always possible and achievable for any one with moderate means is to broaden your understanding of the world around you, and perhaps more importantly, the people in it.

This is is what particularly drew me to travel. It was a big challenge to overcome the fear of being vulnerable in a place where you and the possibilities are unknown. The inspiration for this blog was a summer trip to Rome, Italy. Roma as it’s known in Italy, is a city unlike any in the world. Close to the fertile crescent, Romans arguably created one of the most powerful civilizations in organized human history. Genetically I am half Italian, half English, but identify as an American. On my English side are welsh, and viking ancestors before them. I plan on visiting all the lands of my ancestry at least once. Italy I hope to explore in great detail.

There were a lot of factors that ultimately lead to me traveling to Italy. Including a life-long fascination with the culture, it’s history, and it’s food. But like many other men in history, the ultimate inspiration for the trip began after talking to a girl.

It was new year’s eve, December 31st, 2022, this year for my Christmas and new year’s eve break I had decided to take a staycation. Myself and my cat George, moved in with my parent’s for the week to have family time together and reset. My company had just recently been through a round of layoffs, and though my position belonged to the vertical and processes bringing in the money, people I had worked closely with were ceremoniously stripped of their security and certainty within 24 hours. If your entire identity revolves around work and working, that can be taken away from you easily. It was a humbling reminder to brush up on my skills and I purchased a ton of comptia, excel, and skill certification courses. Something clicked in me that I needed to live my life intentionally, instead of stumbling through it, sticking to routines that don’t serve me financially, in a career sense, or with my friendships and love life.

Thinking about it and assessing it honestly. I’ve never been a career driven person in my heart. I’ve wanted a “career” for what it could do for me, that that’s what my parent’s wanted for me, and generally how you are seen as objectively successful. ALl of those things are external validation and have nothing to  do with what a meaningful life means to me. To purchase a home, you need more than to manifest your future or life. You need a down payment, sufficient income, and at least a 700+ credit score for, at the time of this writing, 8% interest rates. It’s a great irony to live in such abundance, to have the bar so low, yet almost no one can reach it, unless they had a great start, were lucky with timing, skills, and abilities and opportunities all aligning for someone.

So when New Year’s Eve came around. I had lightly and passively almost given up on relationships and making strides. My brother and his partner at the time invited me to go to Legends in downtown Raleigh for the night. After internal turmoil and a rush of anxiety I decided to go out for the night. I was so certain it would be a waste of time. That I would go maybe talk to a few people, have a drink or two, dance and then call it a night. In so many ways that’s exactly what happened. And as life altering events go, only realized in retrospect. This night was different.

This was the night that I met Martina. An Italian girl with the lightest shade of blue in her eyes. She had shimmering, light chocolatey hair with golden streaks and maybe the world’s cutest and sharpest features. She wasn’t Italian American. She was Italian, from Italy, Rome. She came almost as if out of an ether, a ghost out of a soul mate library. Legends is an inclusive bar for the downtown Raleigh scene and more generally from all the places i’ve been, it’s about as progressive as it gets. They allow under 21 up to 18 in the club, gay, transexual, lesbian, queer, questioning, straight, all people are welcomed, in that sense it’s a worldly place, America has it’s corners of international appeal. It’s a club that has a great design. Two bars, a wide open space where people can meet and talk, a dance floor, and a game room with live entertainment in the back.

When I first arrived, I was trying to find my brother and his partner. Who I found eventually. Whenever I enter a bar or club the first thing I do is scope out the venue. I try to determine if there’s anyone interesting to me and who is interested. Clubs and bars are loud venues. If your aim is to meet people, it means talking with them. A loud establishment is the antithesis of meeting a person. So I look for the pockets of quiet in the venue where you can strike up a conversation. First stop to the outside bar.

Standing in line for drink was my first opportunity to speak with someone. We had remarked how I was the spitting image of the K-Pop start that was the wallpaper on her Iphone. “I’m maybe 2% Asian, and honestly they need to talk to my publicist next time.” It turns out she was happily taken, her friend who she pushed towards me, smiling with an eager, and curious eye was interested but ultimately I got the sense she needed convincing of some kind, she was in between something. It’s not something that’s obvious, but sometimes, some people, even if they’re interested in you, they’re available, they’re friends support it, and they’re attractive, and attracted to you, it could simply be the wrong time. Timing matters the most and the least of all the variables. Time is a function wildly outside of our control. But you’re gauging of opportunities with time and realizing what opportunities are meant for you is very valuable.

It was evident from our conversation she needed something else and just wanted to dance with her friends that night. And had this interaction worked in my favor, achieving a short term entertainment objective, it would’ve robbed me of everything that happened next that Im grateful for. I met my brother and his partner shortly after. They had been there a while, and were going on the dance floor. I had my leather jacket on and clubbing gear fitted, but I was feeling a rush that you feel from those temporary connections that lead nowhere and wanted to meet more people.

The next interaction was more fractious, one person making me an adversary, the other indifferent, one person interested  but unimpressed. Apparently there was a reason my temporary enemy considered me a threat. One revealed by further discussion. An innocuous comment triggered her where she then wildly blew up in my face. For once, I was not in the wrong and have been through enough of these situations to recognize when someone else was behaving out of pocket. The most attractive of the group was the one who continued talking to me. She was also, in a similar place, looking to talk to people and meet with them. She was not looking for conflict or a fling, or looking for anything. She was wading in the waters. Playing in the waves. Allowing currents to guide her.

Her upbringing was not as bohemian. She came from strict military discipline. Her father, a lieutenant in the army. Of all the branches she would join army would be last. Air force was more her speed. But making her father proud was a secondary objective at best. He was a hard man, she was supposed to be a son that would carry on his battle legacy. The best she could offer him would be black belt in BBJ. She had accepted her place in the world and her standing with her father, and she struck me as a friend.

I went to the dancefloor after in my judgement I had ran through all the opportunities to talk to people. The dancefloor is something of a reset. When you come back people will have shifted. Groups will have changed. People get more drunk. More open to talking and to exploring. For most interactions you only have one opportunity to make something happen. When you recognize it as a moment, and you’ve seen enough interest, you have to make the move. You will never be 100% ready with a clever line, 100% reading the situation right, or feeling in top peak state. Conditions will never be ideal and the situation will be reliably less than perfect. Those miraculous occasions where everything falls into place exists but are rare. Sometimes you just have to pull the trigger.

I approached Martina and her friend Erin. They looked like a pair of girls that were out for the night, open to meeting people. Hoping, as many at a social place on a holiday for something interesting and sporadic to happen. Something that lucky that can only happen when you buy in with your presence, time, and effort. They looked like girls in their early to mid 20’s. Martina in a silvery dress and her hair up.  I remember looking into her eyes from across the room, and thinking that there were eyes looking in mine and that I could feel myself looking into for the rest of my time. The second time she looked at me, then looked away that’s when I made my move.

“Hi! You two look like a ton of fun. Just wanted to come over and introduce myself.” If you were to go online and search for best opening pick up line at a bar or club, you’ll run into a host of manipulative, calculating, and measured conversation starters. Nothing has ever been quite as good for me as a variation of hey how are you. Immediately I could tell there was something different about Martina than there was about her friend. She had an accent, just soft enough you knew that English was a second language. She was subtle, underneath was a light warmth. She had a strong command of English and when I asked her where she was from, her head cocked to the side, “From Rome.” With a wide smile.  Her accent was so pleasant, I can’t remember if I told her but I remember thinking I could listen to her talk for the rest of my life.

She was here on a tour of America. She’d been to Washington D.C. and to the major cities of the Northeast. She liked the country, it was more modern than back home. While we were talking they had needed to get their coats it was nearing the end of the night. They teased me not to leave, that they would be back, and wanted to see me again. Experience going out and especially near the end of the night when people say we’ll be right back, it’s usually wishful thinking. I went about the outside bar. Normally I would’ve moved on but I was curious. There was so much different about her. I went to talk to other people that I’d met earlier to meet more people.

Martina and her friend came back. Legends hosts drag cabaret performances every hour or so on the weekends. She was excited to see Drag for the first time. Something new and different to explore. I knew I wanted to see her again. I asked her for the best way to stay in touch with her. She gave me her instagram. When the clock struck midnight we were together. She went on my snapchat story for the night, and I ended up saving the video by chance. It would be another 6 months before I would see her again. And we start the story of an adventure of a lifetime.